Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy _______ Day!

The invention of the printing press in 1440 has been hailed as one of the single most influential innovations of mankind. This progressive machine, like any other, can be used either for good or for evil—it all depends on who’s operating it. One of its better uses is the production of millions of copies of important books, such as the Bible, the works of Shakespeare, and Twilight.

Today, however, I must mention one of its more sinister uses: the greeting card industry. Its products allow a person to use someone else’s words to express sincere congratulations to another on the occasion of his/her step-daughter’s cousin’s surrogate baby’s Bris. This commercial leviathan was conceived of evil and continues to propagate its malevolence through the constant formulation of new holidays.

This day, the third Sunday of June, has been designated as Father’s Day. President Woodrow Wilson, in 1914, declared that the second Sunday of May would be Mother’s Day. This was probably his mother’s idea. Mothers like it because it allows them to demand breakfast in bed. After that, it only seemed fair to create a Father’s Day. Fathers like it because it allows them to receive a fresh supply of ties for the year.

The calendar is stuffed with these nonsensical holidays for parents, grandparents, bosses, secretaries, et cetera ad nauseum. In my opinion, if you truly do appreciate someone, you shouldn’t need a designated day to express your gratitude. If you want to tell someone how you feel, just go ahead and say it when it’s most appropriate: “thanks for bailing me out of jail, Dad.”

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