Monday, May 24, 2010

RIP Jack Bauer... Yeah, Right!

The end of an era is upon us. Tonight, America will lose its greatest hero. We know that Jack Bauer is our greatest hero because Superman once challenged him and the loser now has to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. Jack was unavailable for comment on the incident. You can never talk to Jack because he can't talk now. He'll explain later.

Our nation has learned many important things from Jack, such as the impotency of law enforcement perimeters and how to interrogate a terrorist with a lamp. There are many things we now say because of Jack, including “there’s no time, dammit!” Most of us are now much more suspicious of our coworkers because we can’t help wondering who is The Mole. These days, the last question on most health insurance forms is "Have you now, or ever in your past, made Jack Bauer mad?”

After tonight, Jack will hopefully have time to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom for the first time in eight years, before he goes to work on the rumored film project. He will probably never find or be able to hang onto true love, but we citizens are eternally grateful... that we didn't get shot.

Finally, I would like to remind and warn the writers of 24 that killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead—it just makes him angry. Someone was stupid enough to suggest that the only way to end the show was to kill Jack. Nobody knows who said that because Jack found him first, found out who he was really working for, and made sure nobody else could ever find out. Besides, we all know that if not even terrorists or New York City can kill Jack, you might as well not even try.

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