Few things are more typically American than the hamburger. Like any other true, red-blooded American, I love a good burger! Tonight, I just had to have one—with fries and a shake, of course. Everyone knows there’s only one place in town to get good cheeseburgers, French fries, and milkshakes: Red Robin. Even Shawn Spencer loves that place.
There are so many good things about Red Robin that I don’t know what I love best. Maybe it’s the TV in the floor, or maybe it’s the awesome wall art, or possibly the fact that I’ve never had bad service there. I do not like the nights when the Robin is there. I’m sorry, but I find grown people walking around in giant stuffed animal costumes to be rather disturbing.
As I perused the colorful menu, I knew that I had a difficult decision ahead of me. There were so many mouthwatering options! I did decide to try the new mint chocolate chip milkshake… it had brownie chunks in it, and who can resist that? The burger options seemed endless, but I finally settled on one with the word “guacamole” in the name, because it sounded slightly healthier.
The moment the burger arrived, I knew that we were going to have a problem. Red Robin’s burgers tend to be quite large, but this was one of the biggest I had yet to encounter. I was slightly concerned that fitting the mammoth sandwich into my mouth might require unhinging my jaw. When I was certain that my feet were securely planted on the floor, I made my move.
To say that the ensuing altercation was epic would be a cliché understatement. This particular source of nutrition refused to go quietly. Each of my moans of delight at the succulent flavor was countered by a drip of grease on my chin. For every bite I took, a chunk managed to escape through the back, as my hands were too small to fortify the perimeter of the bun.
Reinforced by my trusty milkshake and an unending supply of steak fries, I continued to absorb each wave of delicious attack. In those brief moments, I could nearly hear the patriotic fife and drums as I did battle with this mighty burger. 30,000 calories later, I gazed upon the remnants of a once mighty meal, as they lay scattered upon the table.