Thursday, December 1, 2011

All I Want for Christmas

In honor of the Christmas season, I present a piece by my dear friend and author, Jae Maxson. You should buy her book.

All I Want for Christmas Is A New Last Name

For the average single chick out there, Christmas can be a challenging holiday. Not as bad as Valentine’s Day, of course, but difficult in a way. Let’s face it; there’s something romantic about this time of year—the snow, the lights, the Little House specials on Hallmark. In the movies, couples walk hand-in-hand in the snow, whispering sweet nothings. In real life, you walk through the over-crowded mall, get pushed out of line at the registers, and usually end up at Gertrude Hawk floating away on a river of dark chocolate oblivion.

Are you spending all day under the mistletoe waiting for some poor guy to come along and fall for that ridiculous tradition? Have you even left your house in the past 72 hours? Do you have your cats dressed as elves? Maybe you should read on.

We all like the idea of an older man, well established, with a steady job and his own transportation. But Santa is already taken. Some like the strong silent type—the forgotten hero who comes through in the end, and saves the day for even those who ridiculed him the most. But Rudolph settled down with Clarice on a nice three bedroom ranch with a to-die-for solarium. My favorite is the fun-loving guy who sticks around for a couple of days, and then leaves; only to come back when it snows. But Frosty…well, the whole “eyes of coal” thing creeps me out.

There is no perfect cure for the sudden need for a relationship at Christmastime. You won’t find two tickets to paradise in your stocking. Mr. Right isn’t going to come down your chimney. (If he does, call 911 right away). You’re not going to find a two carat ring in your Figgie pudding. Not unless you do something about it.

Don’t just sit around waiting for your very own Hallmark movie; go out and make it happen. Talk to that guy you’ve been thinking about. Leave your house, and go on a real date. (The cats can fend for themselves). Go to your company Christmas party with some dude you met in Price Chopper earlier that day. Have a good time, (biblically of course), this Christmas. And if you end up with a boyfriend for Christmas, always make sure to keep the receipt.

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