Burst the Bubble

Allow me to preface this by saying that I work at a Christian college and love it. It happens to be the same college from which I graduated. I also attended a Bible Institute before college and before that, I was homeschooled. You could say that I have been thoroughly Christianized. My entire education (and indeed, life) has been conducted within what is commonly referred to as The Bubble.

A few years ago, The Bubble burst for me in a big way when my parents got divorced. My dad had even been a pastor and suddenly our church wouldn’t even talk to us. However, even before this, I had started poking at the walls of our Christian culture. One of the biggest things I ever learned was the question everything: to examine things for myself, constantly asking why.

What I have discovered is tragic. Instead of being the Salt and Light of the world that Christ Himself told us to be, we have built gated communities. We have become so afraid of being “of the world” that we are no longer in it! How can we change a society in which we have no part? Yes, it’s more comfortable here—people don’t think we’re weird when we’re all Christians.

We even have our own Christianese language. One of the most important things I looked for when finding a new church was the language. I needed to find a place where they spoke plain English. A church that is truly dedicated to communicating with the outside world doesn’t use words like “dispensationalism,” “hermeneutics,” and “VBS"expecting everyone to know what they mean.

So many of my friends refuse to listen to anything other than Christian music. They don’t go to movies; they only wear in-your-face Christian t-shirts. Everyone thinks we’re freaks and they’re right: weird is in the eye of the beholder. So how are they supposed to understand us? More importantly, how are we supposed to relate to them?

Instead of having our own GodTube, wouldn’t it be better if we flooded YouTube with Christian videos? Why do we have knock-off Christian bookstores, instead of publishing books that are good enough to be carried by Borders? If there is a market for quality materials, secular businesses will provide them. It’s the simple business concept of supply and demand and it applies just as well to religion.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ! I am, however, often embarrassed by Christians. Yes, we are different, but that doesn’t mean that we should be unapproachable. We’re coming up on another election and let’s remember that while religion should affect politics, politics is not all about religion. You certainly won’t see me protesting or boycotting.

Maybe you aren’t in The Bubble. You might not have any idea what I’m talking about, in which case, awesome! But if you are a member of the isolationist American subculture referred to as conservative evangelicalism, get out before it’s too late. I dare you to go out for a drink with your unsaved coworkers. As a wise woman once said “my Jesus brought the party” and we should too.

Wait Without Hope

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

—T. S. Eliot

As many of you may know, I am not the most patient of people. I have no patience with imperfection or procrastination in myself or others. I like to plan because then I feel like I am doing something, even while I am waiting for a particular event to actually occur. I appreciate consistency and usually try to get things done even ahead of time. If something needs to get done, why wait? Do it now!

One of the things for which I have the least patience is people telling me to be patient. This has been happening to me a lot lately because while my friends are getting married and having babies, I am still incredibly single. “Just wait, your turn is coming. God must have something better in store for you,” is the most common sentiment I hear, usually from happily married people.

While I do not doubt my advisors’ kind intentions, I have trouble grasping their implications. How can they possibly know what the future holds for me? How am I supposed to keep hoping for something which may never happen? Hope is defined as a “confident expectation.” Therefore, by definition, I cannot place any hope in an uncertain event.

There is no guarantee of happiness in this life. Life itself is not guaranteed. What is promised is that we will be able to handle it. As I continue to wait for love, I find myself having to redefine waiting. This is not something that I can rush. I have no control and no option other than patience. However, as I continue to hope, I continue to be disappointed.

Now, I find myself learning to wait without an object of hope. I’m sure you have also experienced this unique brand of faith. Whether you found yourself waiting for a job, a child, a car… whatever it may be, this incredibly human experience of doubt is unmistakable. I am becoming convinced that as we redefine our expectations, we redefine ourselves through a growing understanding of real life.

Short and Sweet

Yesterday, I got to participate in one of the best weddings I have ever attended. Admittedly, my participation consisted largely of applying double-sided sticky tape and falling down the stairs. Nonetheless, it was absolutely lovely. Not only did I get to see my old friends and the city of Baltimore, but I also saw something indescribably special.

There’s a lot of talk about the sanctity of marriage these days. Unfortunately, most of the weddings I have attended have been more about the ceremony and less about the covenant. This wedding certainly had its share of drama, but when Tim and Marie said “I do,” I had a front row view of a sacred moment. All of the planning and stress and details didn’t matter then.

Having watched my own parents’ marriages disintegrate (as well as so many others), I sometimes wonder if good marriages aren’t just mythical creatures. As divorce rages all around, seeing my friends exchange vows worries me. However, yesterday I caught a glimpse of two souls entering into a spiritual bond, surrounded by friends and family to support them.

As I looked around the church, I saw several shining examples of what marriage should be: Ben and Amanda, who have been married for two years and are expecting their first child; Dr. and Mrs. Cragoe, who have been married for twenty years and love their students like children… I listened to the words of the service and knew that Tim and Marie understood the gravity of their vows.

It was a very short ceremony, clocked at 23 minutes. We all felt a little like we were back in one of Dr. Cragoe’s theology classes, but that’s only because we may have actually learned something—I know I did. I probably won’t remember almost sinking into the harbor for a photo or decorating the getaway car with the aisle runner, but I will never forget witnessing that sweet moment of communion.

Summer Vacation

Most people seem to forget that Memorial Day is about honoring our soldiers’ sacrifices and instead equate it with one thing: summer! Today marks the unofficial beginning of the vacation season, as everyone takes advantage of the federal work holiday’s long weekend. Everyone except me. Being the rebel that I am, I am working today—because I have to.

Just to be clear, I took off all of last week. I spent the week with my little brother. We did tons of exciting things, like visiting our grandparents and watching lots of movies. Oh yes, Scranton is an awesome place to spend your vacation, especially when you’re a couple of broke kids. I highly recommend it. Just be aware of the very real possibility of getting hit by a city bus.

Americans have become obsessed with vacation. We spend enormous amounts of money we don’t have to reach “exciting” recreation destinations. We plan our whole calendars around specific dates. Everyone talks about who’s going where and doing what… but why? We’re already one of the laziest nations in the world and then we can’t wait to take a long weekend.

Not that vacations are design to be relaxing. On the contrary, they are usually some of the most stressful times. Nothing is quite as soothing as hours and hours trapped in a hot car with small children. Needing a vacation after a vacation is a very common sentiment. So go ahead, enjoy your traffic jams and sunburns. Don’t forget to charge it all on your credit card too!

Personally, I’m just fine with working today. There’s a whole week’s worth of email to deal with, plus I get so much more done when there are no distractions or interruptions. I’ve got my music cranked so I won’t get freaked out by random noises in an otherwise empty library. Besides, working today means that I can take Friday off instead and go to Baltimore for the weekend.

Modern Symphonies

Few things move the human soul like music. Life would be flat and two-dimensional without it and filmmakers figured this out a long time ago. A well-written soundtrack can elevate a film to a spiritual experience. Through the score, emotions can be elevated, tensions can be conveyed and feelings can be communicated to the audience.

Film composers are some of the greatest musical geniuses of our time. Their job is not only to write songs, but to capture the essence of the film in a theme. That theme must then be expanded and manipulated over hours’ worth of footage to heighten each scene’s impact.

A good soundtrack can complete an audience’s immersion into the plot and involvement with the characters. These superbly composed masterpieces can even stand on their own, as modern symphonies. To me, it’s not just background music, but an essential component of the film’s artwork.



All that being said, I’ve compiled a brief list of some of my favorite composers and some of their best work. However, as this post was originally written for my movie blog, you'll have to visit this page for the full list.

Spring in my Step

Ah, Spring! When the whole world reawakens from its wintry slumber, refreshing itself with showers and dressing itself in new life. The stirring of both spiritual and natural resurrection demand celebration, which we gladly give. This time of year always makes me wish I were a poet so that I could more fully observe such revitalization.

This past Winter refused to relinquish its frigid grasp on Scranton for the longest time. We were all tantalized by a few rays of sunshine, only to be disappointed in more snow. Easter and Spring were both so late in arrival this year! However, the birds outside my window sing to me their assurances that the sun is finally here to stay.

Seeing the new buds begin to bloom, I can’t help but smile. “Walking on Sunshine” has been playing in my head all day. Just as the ice has melted, so have I determined to enjoy the promises of the season and conquer the depressing failures of the past few months. I am trying very hard to catch a breath of the fresh air while I still can.

Now, we’re hurtling toward summer vacation and wedding season. A whole new set of challenges are just up ahead. But for today, take a break. Go for a walk. Literally stop and smell the new flowers. We should appreciate Spring and the gift of renewal it brings. No matter what happens, every year it reminds us that life goes on. For that, I am grateful.

On Fire for a Dream

This past weekend I traveled to Pittsburgh with my friend Amy Kelly, a brilliant photographer. Amy is one of those people who inspire me while simultaneously depressing me. She has been chasing her dream! Her photography has reached the point of artistry and her business has taken off. Spending hours in the car with her was like getting lost in a carnival’s house of mirrors.

As I have been examining my own life lately, I’ve come to realize that something is missing: a dream. There is no spark in my life, no Northern star. I’m doing alright for myself, making what some might call progress, but to what end? I have so much passion but have yet to find a suitable outlet for it, so it just diffuses into hundreds of insignificant diversions. I want more than a life that's just fine.

So many people are so sure of who they are and what they’re doing here. I envy that certainty. Where I am now is fine, but I know that it’s not where I want to be forever. However, lightning still has not struck. I figure that until I am inspired to move on, I should be content as I am. It has become incredibly frustrating to watch my friends’ souls catch fire and explode… while I lack even an ignition.

There are so many things that I could do with my life, but all of the truly important accomplishments escape me. My greatest dream is to be a wife and mother; that obviously isn’t happening any time soon, so what should I do in the meantime? If I could change even one person’s life, then I could know that my own has been valuable. Maybe the dream for my life will only be to catch fire.